1:05am. I've noticed that my writings on rawbeautifultruth have become shorter in length and more vague in clarity of what's being said. I shared some work that I wrote on my blog with a man I spoke casually with and he asked me, something like "Are all your writings short?" The truth is no they aren't but I have a battling with censoring. I wondered why this was so, the distance and the tug between revelation and concealment. And it occurred to me that underneath it all "I want you to know but not know too much." Teasing isn't the interest but the idea of Self Preservation, the idea that we can control people, scenarios, and situations to keep ourselves "alive" and out of harms way. However, hiding myself as a writer doesn't serve us well. How will you know who I am? Or feel me? Experience intimacy and genuine connection and have a memory that is uniquely MahYah? When you think on my name... how do you feel, what comes to mind? Hiding myself away only works for so long until I'm drawn out once again by life and inspiration. Anonymous living isn't authentic because I AM HERE. I EXIST.
Hand crafted talents and abilities that have been entrusted to me to share through my lens, voice and experience. Without a name is like a voice without a face. A vague name that makes you ~snap snap!~ and say "that person, you know? She was kinda like..." No definition, on the brink of purpose. I like writing like this, without a filter freely what comes into my head. This was inspireed by a conversation I had with a sweet woman I know as the topic of Self Preservation came into our dialogue. The false ideology that if I hide myself away no one will hurt me, shun me, think badly of me, and I'll be protected forever.
It is a self, man made construction of 4 isolated walls that are made of false visions, past misconceptions, blame, shame and guilt and pieced together by illusions. It gives you a false sense of comfort through its separation and isolation cutting you off to the flow of love and life and those in it. At what cost? At what point do you continue to preserve yourself? If not now, when? For what? Or for who to see? It's like having that fine piece of china (not that I have china but this example is readily accessible) that you never take out to be admired or that favorite dress that you only wear for important occasions, what every couple of years? Maybe.
If they know too much they'll take advantage of what I've shared and because I've shared it it will be my fault...
If they know too much they won't like what they see...
If they know too much they will know what makes me tick and manipulate and control me...
So in turn you control them. Their response to you by how and what you choose (control) to share or not share with them. By withholding your emotions, thoughts, enthusiasm, displeasure. "I'm gonna control you so you can't control me." Internal dialogue revealed. Thinking of a victim who feels they are powerless and that things passively happen to them, outside of their control. At its mercy.
Hey, it's the rawbeautifultruth.
Or how about that art you never show because you're afraid of criticism, not measuring up, failing to meet THEIR expectations of where and who you SHOULD be as an artist? Or that secret desire to be a baker? That thing you're putting off. How you like to dance when "no ones" watching. That thing that fascinates you, makes you giggle, and feel young again. What are you hiding? I'm calling myself out and if you feel convicted in your spirit dig deeper and see what's underneath there. What part of yourself are to keeping away that you fear is too beautiful, unique or ugly? At what point in your life did you feel that you shared too much or were "too vulnerable" and you felt it backfired? Not that it did, all things work together for good.
How can you transform your garbage into treasure? Make it meaningful? Find the purpose in your pain. Extract what is valuable and allow it to be your sustenance, that oil that keeps the wheels turning and them guessing. When you were betrayed, bamboozled, deceived, manipulated? That is your stamp, and when used correctly and tactfully it can be more beautiful and radiant than you initially thought. It is apart of your experience and is here to be shared in the way that is most suitable for Who You Are. Tell your story. Make your art. Create your dance. Speak your truth. Light your fire. Train your martial art. Tickle yourself with what makes you Go. Wear your quirks. Make a dish of elements of your life. It's like a beautiful work of art that is locked away in a museum, away from the light of day.
MahYah
7th Day
Stillness Shalawam
4.25.15
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