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I forgot to call the twins for their birthday. I wonder if Michelle is thinking about me. I feel emotionally backed up and when I played the wii earlier boxing and Michael Jackson the experience I felt much better than I have in a while. It's midnight now- close to it and it's finally quiet. It's hard waking up in a house to movement and people talking before I can have quiet time to myself. I feel myself razzing out, skimpy on alone time. I feel distraught and times, depleted, depressed and with low motivation. Mother's rummaging through the pantry for something to eat perhaps and I'm on the sofa- love seat. It's been a while since I've written free and I can feel its effects. So much has happened, big emotional shifts, and August is such a hard month. I find it hard to stay positive on just about anything and laugh to get through the pain. But I can't deny that I feel an emptiness and feel dry. My mind has wondered and body has felt what I wasn't able to understand. I'm in a funk- temporary and it was all triggered from that ice cold wake up call with ______.
Nothing's been the same since he's been in it. I feel such tension with keeping the families of passion alive and everything within me wants to quit- cause it's hard. The feeling of disappointment after hope and even more so after expectation. It's like I'm birthing my own baby and I'm alone, surrounded by people cause they can't understand the unique magnitude of my trail and growth. It's growing season and it hurts like _______. I've become more bitter even through I smile. More restless even when I rest, drained even though I sleep. A lot. They say waiting is fun but I'm still waiting for it. How many more small talks? "Hi, nice to meet ya's"? I'm frustrated with love-NO. Being open and uncertain.
My J's been worked up a wall and into a frenzy wondering when I'll get my satisfying relationships. He says I'll have many options but I don't want that. Too much to consider. People. Personalities. Temperaments. This is enjoyable? Who made this up anyway? The people who want to be with me I don'y want to be with them, the one I'd rather be with I can't and the one who wants me- to be- is not yet. This sucks. This is the stuff that makes me want to give up. No relationships. No nothing. Don't talk to me and leave me to my log cabin in the woods. It's better this way. No dating- it's too messy and sad. Being open to love is hard and heartbreaking and healing all at the same time. I'm not trying have this be some moral of the story stuff but is pure frustration. The kind of stuff that makes me wanna disappear off the face of the earth. No matter how much sleep I get I'm still "sleepy". Not sure whether or not it's better to be awake.
Things are so dull and I have school soon and what's up with August anyway? Why be tuned into each other's frequencies when you can't even exchanging on the radio? and what's up with August anyway? Yeah this is a complaint cause I'm tired and fed up in my own way. I don't want to be still, sleep, and at times eat. I wanna get to the bottom of this and I've surrendered- part of the time. It'll work out they say and I know this is true. I'm too relaxed and energized at the same time. My life isn't easy and sometimes I make it that way- but it's mine. And yet I'm still grateful for it. I'm grateful that there are more no's than yeses, I don't even remember my dreams I've been having lately. It's ready to stop when you are but there are things I can't control.
I don't wanna let love in right now from the next man in line to try. I just wanna lick my wounds alone in isolation, far from the eyes of onlookers. Far from their energy and questionings. Away from the phone calls, "you're pretty'ies and beautiful's" from the adoring strangers. To be wrapped up like a mummy or fly away to make my cocoon. I don't want to fall in love again with the wrong man, before I learn my lesson or take another present. and what's up with August anyway? So many things fall into disintegrate into the summertime heat. Fall apart to come together they say. I'm at the end of the day, trynna stay afloat and how many times do I have to get knocked down?
MahYah
1st Day
8.9.15
#SelfLoveSunday
Flow with me...
s h a d o w w e e k
stop thinking of what to share and share what you're thinking
I forgot to call the twins for their birthday. I wonder if Michelle is thinking about me. I feel emotionally backed up and when I played the wii earlier boxing and Michael Jackson the experience I felt much better than I have in a while. It's midnight now- close to it and it's finally quiet. It's hard waking up in a house to movement and people talking before I can have quiet time to myself. I feel myself razzing out, skimpy on alone time. I feel distraught and times, depleted, depressed and with low motivation. Mother's rummaging through the pantry for something to eat perhaps and I'm on the sofa- love seat. It's been a while since I've written free and I can feel its effects. So much has happened, big emotional shifts, and August is such a hard month. I find it hard to stay positive on just about anything and laugh to get through the pain. But I can't deny that I feel an emptiness and feel dry. My mind has wondered and body has felt what I wasn't able to understand. I'm in a funk- temporary and it was all triggered from that ice cold wake up call with ______.
Nothing's been the same since he's been in it. I feel such tension with keeping the families of passion alive and everything within me wants to quit- cause it's hard. The feeling of disappointment after hope and even more so after expectation. It's like I'm birthing my own baby and I'm alone, surrounded by people cause they can't understand the unique magnitude of my trail and growth. It's growing season and it hurts like _______. I've become more bitter even through I smile. More restless even when I rest, drained even though I sleep. A lot. They say waiting is fun but I'm still waiting for it. How many more small talks? "Hi, nice to meet ya's"? I'm frustrated with love-NO. Being open and uncertain.
My J's been worked up a wall and into a frenzy wondering when I'll get my satisfying relationships. He says I'll have many options but I don't want that. Too much to consider. People. Personalities. Temperaments. This is enjoyable? Who made this up anyway? The people who want to be with me I don'y want to be with them, the one I'd rather be with I can't and the one who wants me- to be- is not yet. This sucks. This is the stuff that makes me want to give up. No relationships. No nothing. Don't talk to me and leave me to my log cabin in the woods. It's better this way. No dating- it's too messy and sad. Being open to love is hard and heartbreaking and healing all at the same time. I'm not trying have this be some moral of the story stuff but is pure frustration. The kind of stuff that makes me wanna disappear off the face of the earth. No matter how much sleep I get I'm still "sleepy". Not sure whether or not it's better to be awake.
Things are so dull and I have school soon and what's up with August anyway? Why be tuned into each other's frequencies when you can't even exchanging on the radio? and what's up with August anyway? Yeah this is a complaint cause I'm tired and fed up in my own way. I don't want to be still, sleep, and at times eat. I wanna get to the bottom of this and I've surrendered- part of the time. It'll work out they say and I know this is true. I'm too relaxed and energized at the same time. My life isn't easy and sometimes I make it that way- but it's mine. And yet I'm still grateful for it. I'm grateful that there are more no's than yeses, I don't even remember my dreams I've been having lately. It's ready to stop when you are but there are things I can't control.
I don't wanna let love in right now from the next man in line to try. I just wanna lick my wounds alone in isolation, far from the eyes of onlookers. Far from their energy and questionings. Away from the phone calls, "you're pretty'ies and beautiful's" from the adoring strangers. To be wrapped up like a mummy or fly away to make my cocoon. I don't want to fall in love again with the wrong man, before I learn my lesson or take another present. and what's up with August anyway? So many things fall into disintegrate into the summertime heat. Fall apart to come together they say. I'm at the end of the day, trynna stay afloat and how many times do I have to get knocked down?
MahYah
1st Day
8.9.15
#SelfLoveSunday
Flow with me...
s h a d o w w e e k
stop thinking of what to share and share what you're thinking